I'm baaack.

I have been missing for a while. Sorry about that. I got shin splints, was out of commission for two weeks, went on one run, and then jumped back on the lazy fat girl wagon. Or relapsed, depending on your perspective. This blog was supposed to be an accountability mechanism, and it didn't totally fail in that respect. Trust that I felt sufficiently guilty each time someone asked me why I hadn't posted in a while. For most of the last five weeks the answer to that question was laziness, but the shin splint thing functioned as a nice stand-in for the truth as time went on. Those incessant questions and the ensuing guilt and shame are probably the chief reasons I started running again two weeks ago and have decided to run this 5K on Saturday even though I am incredibly ill-prepared. I owe a big thank you to my avid fans/critics. Lack of preparation is not the primary source of my anxiety about this weekend. A map of the race route reveals that there is only one bathroom stop, about a third of the way into the course. This concerns me. The most annoying thing I've heard from my well-meaning friends who want me to like running and claim that they do is that it is relaxing. How in the world can you be relaxed while you're trying not to pee your pants or shit yourself? Just when I think I've "found my pace" (does running a total of maybe 18 miles in 8 weeks qualify me to use obnoxious runner terms like that?), something very terrible happens. I have to go. Right then and there. Sometimes it's pee, usually it's poo. This should not be a problem for someone my age. I empty all my systems out before I leave the house. And I'm still running 3 miles or less, which means I'm not gone for that long. Well, okay, I'm still averaging a 16 minute mile. But the point is I'm under 80 and should be able to control my bladder at least an hour. According to my google machine, running often triggers peristalsis, or the involuntary constriction and relaxation of the muscles of the intestine or another canal, creating wavelike movements that push the contents of the canal forward. Well, isn't that wonderful. I'll keep you posted on how this Saturday goes. Or maybe I've just written a post about unsavory bodily functions so people will stop checking this blog. Then I can quit this running thing altogether without getting harped on. Just kidding. Mostly.