Day Two.

Yesterday there was no run on the schedule. I got to choose between resting or cross training. You know what my fat ass did? Went to spinning class. Not because I’m an overachiever – that’s not the case at all. In fact, I’ve had a lot of people tell me over the past few days not to do too much too soon because I’ll get burned out. Those are the people who don’t know me at all. My real friends have sent me text messages to the tune of Fat Chick, have you done your run today? One of the things I’m best at is going easy on myself, so no worries there. This morning, I woke up and stuck my leg in the air to discover my ankles are back. Normally, that would be reason enough for me to stop working out for at least two weeks. Luckily, I have this blog and all of you rooting for me to keep me accountable. The main reason I went to spinning class was because I sit in front of a computer most of the day, and by 5pm my thighs were crying from yesterday’s run. If you can call it a run. My neighbors that had to witness it would probably say it was something more akin to a suicide attempt. If I didn’t do something with my muscles yesterday, I wouldn’t have been able to move this morning. So I took a break from work to head to the gym. Spinning class was a nice reminder that I am fat. And not in a negative, body-shaming sort of way. Just in a neutral, stating the facts sort of way. Yep, my butt jiggles when the instructor tells us to ride low (if I were in the row behind me, I would think this is funny). And yep, I sweat more than the average gal (but the reason I love spinning class is everyone is sweating buckets by minute 8). And yep, I am fat and I can still make it through 50 minutes of a grueling workout with 12 strangers, most of whom are much more fit than me. So being fat can just be a thing, like brown eyes or long hair or an oddly shaped pinkie toe. It can just be a thing and it doesn’t have to be a major part of who you are or define what you’re capable of. That said, I’m wary of this whole 5K training charade ruining my relationship with my fatness. I don’t want it to become a means to lose weight, because that is not what this is for me. I didn’t even want to start eating better, but I had no choice. On Wednesday night I woke up at 3am in a cold sweat with a stomach ache, and only then did I realize I hadn’t eaten dinner (or really anything of substance) since I had decided to start training for this thing. For me, when something becomes about losing weight it slips into very dangerous territory. I start to think if I complete this 5K, I’ll probably lose 20 pounds. And if I lose 20 pounds, then I’ll probably start getting to work on time. And keeping my house clean. And finishing assignments in advance of their due dates. And I’d probably get offered a modeling contract. Maybe even untie my shoes before I take them off, not like the lazy way I slip them off and toss them in the middle of the living room now. See what I mean by dangerous territory?