Hi Friends and Web Friends,
I've been doing lots of thinking lately about why I'm falling in love with running and why it's happening to me now. Running is providing for me. It is helping me to cope with depression, but exercise alone was not enough to pull me out of the state I was in earlier this year. If I'm really honest with myself, I've been depressed a lot longer than a year, but this was the first time I've gotten the help I needed in many forms - mostly Love and Pharmaceuticals.
I have realized that at this point in my life I need medication to keep my brain chemistry balanced. When my brain chemistry is balanced, I can do all of the normal human things - the things my healthier friends can do without medication. Like get good sleep so I can make it to work on time. Or eat regularly so I don't binge eat when I finally remember that my body needs food on day two or three. Or do my laundry so I don't have to buy underwear at Walgreen's on Sunday night. I'm learning to make lists (thanks, Carisse) and organize my thoughts and organize my house and organize my work life. It's hard. And I couldn't do it when I was not treating my depression. Weakened immune system, weight loss/gain, sleeplessnes, inability to focus. That shit is real.
My close friends have noticed this shift. They are seeing a healthier version of me and showing all the love to Healthier Dee they showed to Less Mentally Stable Dee. They are awesome people. But many of them were surprised to know I needed medication to get to that place. People without a mental or emotional imbalance can't imagine the way it feels. People say in the anti-depressant commercials, "I've been living under a cloud for years and now I'm me again". It sounds cheesy. But it only sounds cheesy to people who haven't been there. I've been there and I know about the cloud. (They still need better TV ads, but that's a topic for another blog.)
We are good at using shame in awful ways in our society. I am learning not to be ashamed of my depression diagnosis at the same time I am learning not to be ashamed of my body. We need to get better at accepting mental and emotional illnesses. There is no shame in asking for the help you need. There is no shame in letting your friends love you. But I suffered so long because I was too arrogant to get help. You can be smart, capable, hold down a job, and still need help.
If you are feeling depressed, ask for help. Don't be arrogant as long as I was. Prozac is working for me now, along with exercise and eating cleaner and being with good friends more and talking to God more. You may not need medication. You may need a different treatment - talk therapy, a walking partner, more vegetables in your life. Let's all agree to pay more attention to what our bodies are asking of us and not be ashamed.
Don't ever be afraid to tell the people you love that you need help. You will get all the help you need if you just ask for it.
A special thanks to all of you for showing me love on this blog. You guys email me, text me, and tell me how much you can relate to what I am writing here, and that brings me a special kind of joy. I am a data nerd. I am a chubby girl. I am loved more than I deserve. And I want to add writer to that list eventually. Thank you for encouraging me along the way. Kim, your comments especially have encouraged me in ways you can't imagine. I admire you so much and your use of the word proud was so powerful.
I'm working on a post called "Sex and the Fat Girl" - that one will be less serious and more funny (I'm at my best when I get to be raunchy), so stay tuned...... :)
Also working on a post about not having enough food because I was raised by a single mom who did the best she could but couldn't provide for us financially. My food insecurities grew when Clinton was reforming Welfare As We Know It in the 90's and I accidentally got fat on a food stamp budget. Does anyone want to correspond about how poverty and fatness and shame intersect? I need to explore this idea some more with people smarter than me before I can write about it.
Thanks for helping me learn to write my feelings instead of eat them!!!
With Love,
Deanna
