I woke up this morning with an urge to continue this journey with more intention. Another Sunburst came and went since the last time I’ve posted here. Despite my promise to shave 10 minutes off my time over the 12 months in between the races, I didn’t even participate in the 2012 one. I haven’t done much running (Okay, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve run) since the 5K in 2011. So now I’m jumping back in with both feet and recommitting.
I don’t have all bad news to share about what’s been going on in my life since the last time we talked. I’ve learned a lot of very personalized lessons about health and nutrition and fitness. I’ve lost a little over 30 pounds since the first time I posted here. Overall, I’m happy about that, but I can’t say it’s been an overall positive experience. Every pound I lose puts me in a very scary place. I’m both elated and terrified of gaining it back at the same time. It’s some sort of punishment/reward game, and my body has been very good at keeping the rules of the game from my conscious parts.
I think a lot of chronic dieters probably understand what I’m talking about right now. I can only describe it with my background as a treatment aide at a drug rehab facility, which only confirms my suspicion that eating and weight loss/gain can be their very own addictions, or diseases. There is a euphoric sort of high you experience along your fitness journey. But it’s not like the kind of high some of my clients would get from heroin or cocaine; it’s not predictable like those drugs are. With a narcotics addiction, you are excruciatingly familiar with the results of your high – you know exactly what it is going to feel like and the only thing that excites you more than anticipating that feeling is experiencing it. People with addictions are most comfortable and feel most “at home” when they’re high. I’m sure that’s for a lot of different reasons – maybe they’ve built that “home” for themselves as a place to escape to when the world seems unbearable, maybe the honestly believe that their altered state is the only state they feel they can be themselves in.
But we (chronic dieters/overeaters/whatever you word(s) you choose) don’t experience a predictable kind of high. There is no “home” for us as we work through our addiction. Our addiction exists inside our minds and our bodies, both of which are ever-changing. So we don’t know what is going to cause a high. It can sometimes be the same thing that would trigger withdrawal symptoms. Sometimes a high can come from a workout – you step out of the weight room or off of the treadmill, bike, elliptical, etc. and you feel on top of the world. Other times, a workout can bring into sharp focus how much work you still have to do to get where you want to be. Breathing hard can either make you feel like a warrior or like a fatso who’s making too much noise because she’s been abusing her body for far too long. Sweating is a badge of honor sometimes and sometimes it's something we feel the need to hide or be ashamed of or apologize for. Sore muscles can make you feel accomplished, or they can make you feel tired and defeated. Binge eating can make you feel peace and fulfillment or it can convince you you’re worthless. There is a constant ebb – up and down, back and down – but there’s no flow. There’s no predictability. We don’t know what actions will result in which feelings, which can be mentally, emotionally, physically exhausting. We don’t know whether to anticipate our post-workout glory or fear our post-workout self-flagellation. We don’t know whether indulging is going to lead to a binge or remain a small treat that encourages us to stay on the right track. As exhausting as this can be, I think this is also what saves us. Maybe this unpredictability is where the distinction is made between our addictions and others'. Our recovery can’t be a steady progression away from the lifestyle that led to our addiction. We can’t go cold turkey and avoid excessive eating or excessive exercise at all costs. While we are in recovery, we are learning ways to love our body, we are learning ways to appreciate it for what it is capable of and teach it new ways to thrive.
We are learning. The learning process is one that never ends. We don’t have a destination, we just have this awesome journey. We don’t succeed. We don’t fail. We just move forward. I’m excited about moving forward with the support of you all. My hope is that by writing some of these feelings down, we get to feel them together and be encouraged by each other. Jenn and I are going to run together this afternoon for the first time in over a year.
